Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.