As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
What if the weather talks about us?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.