As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
You Might Also Like
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”