As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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Customer is always right
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
United Steaks of America
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.