Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

#gardening

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶