As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
do what now??
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
i wish i could marry a nap
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???