as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*