as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD