As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
