duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
this is so top tier i cant
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
unbelievably distressed by this ad