As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This makes total sense…
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
