As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times