*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
You look like you would fail a DNA test
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Tremendous stuff
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr