As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Only Americans understand
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
We avoided this particular disaster
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.