Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.