Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

*Inspirational Tweets*

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Ferrari squats

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November