As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.