As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.