As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”