Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Go girl power!

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Yes my dude

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.