As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
who wants to go expliring
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
they see me scrollin
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Perfect
