As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Who says great literature is dead?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.