Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy