Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.