As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
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gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.