As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The symmetry is uncanny.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you