As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
All generalizations are stupid.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea