As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
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Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Liquor Store Parking
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.