As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Have kids, they said
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.