Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?