As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
How did we not see this back then?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies