As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
You Might Also Like
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.