As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills