Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

spot the difference

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend