As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
