Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

mentally somewhere in italy

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.