As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool