As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…