As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

You Might Also Like


This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fuckers will panic and buy all the tin foil.


True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..


My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer


[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*


I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”


Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run


*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?


People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.


My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉