@Jonesy_donkey

As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

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@sarcastibrat

This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fuckers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

@AntozWolf

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

@rickolantern

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

@Jamberee13

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

@ShawnHatosy

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@Poutymcgee

*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?

@comedylopez

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉