As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

You Might Also Like


Someone just asked me if I was ‘happily’ married.

Single people are adorable.


Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?


911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man


My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”


You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger


good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me


Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh


“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.