Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent
As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight
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Someone just asked me if I was ‘happily’ married.
Single people are adorable.
Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.