@Jonesy_donkey

As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

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@Anais_Lea90

Someone just asked me if I was ‘happily’ married.

Single people are adorable.

@utofellatio

Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?

@Kirangandhi

911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man

@lukasbattle

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

@CornOnTheGoblin

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.