As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like