@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

- @GrantTanaka

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@beermanboobs

*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
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This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.

@OhSweetCharity

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

@Tommytoughstuff

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*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
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@rockymomax

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

@TFriss

If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
?????

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@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”