As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants