As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
