As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
*Inspirational Tweets*
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Happy weekend !
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…