as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
mariah carrie
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running