Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

🤣🤣

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%