As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
You Might Also Like
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.