Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

I put the mess in domestic.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please