As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
the best thing i’ve ever made
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”