As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah