As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”