Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.