As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
“That’s what” – She
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
