Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef