Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Do not levitate over flowers

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

When I snag the last meatball.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.