Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.