As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Bloody internet 😳
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My birthstone is a marshmallow