As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’