As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode