As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
fr
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
