Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.