As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Lol
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I triple waxed for this?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken