As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.