Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My neck my back my allergy attack
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.