as is their right
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
oh my gosh!!
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.