as is their right
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Velcrow
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.