As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA