Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

This kid is going places

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

Mad Max Arctic Road

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

At least my masseuse has my back.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

me logging onto twitter

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.