As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in